Dazai Osamu viết trong Một trăm cảnh núi Phú Sĩ như thế này: “Chỉ có một lần duy nhất mà tôi nhận thấy núi Phú Sĩ thật cao là khi nhìn từ ngọn đèo Jukkoku (Thập Quốc). Thật tuyệt. Bởi vì trời nhiều mây nên tôi không thấy ngay đỉnh núi. Nhưng từ sườn núi giăng mây tôi đưa mắt lần tìm dần lên nơi đáng lẽ tôi cho rằng đó là đỉnh núi và tôi đã nhầm. Đỉnh núi xanh nhạt hiện ra lờ mờ cao gấp đôi so với những gì tôi tưởng tượng. Cảm thấy buồn cười hơn là kinh ngạc và tôi phá ra cười. Khi đối diện với thực tại tuyệt đối lần đầu tiên, ta thường bật cười ngớ ngẩn…”
Tôi tự hỏi, không biết đã bao nhiêu lần mình tự bật cười ngớ ngẩn một mình ?
***
Tôi bắt đầu hay ngắm nhìn bầu trời kể từ lúc trượt đại học. Tôi vẫn đi học trường đại học khác, nhưng cảm giác thiếu không phẩy mấy điểm vào trường mình thích vẫn cứ là khốn khổ. Thế là tôi nhìn lên trời cho qua ngày đoạn tháng. Khi bạn cảm thấy khó thở, bạn cứ nhìn vào khoảng không rộng nhất trong tầm mắt bạn thử mà xem, sẽ thấy có cái gì đó được ném đi, y như có một quả tên lửa phi thẳng từ trong bụng bạn lên trời. Giá lúc đó trước mặt có mặt biển thì chắc tôi cũng nhìn cho đỡ chói mắt. Sau mùa hè đó thì mắt tôi cũng kém đi đáng kể.
***
Tôi không yêu biển lắm. Nên ảnh hoàng hôn ở biển có đúng một tấm. Mà lúc đó mục đích tôi không định chụp thiên nhiên gì cả, tôi chụp Giang thôi. Biển Vũng Tàu vào một ngày tâm trạng tôi khá đặc sắc. Phương và Mai đi trước, áo quần kín người, đội thêm mũ rộng vành trước khi đội mũ bảo hiểm, dáng điệu phượt chân chính. Đi bên cạnh, tôi với Giang, đứa quần đùi áo ba lỗ, đứa váy hai dây, khoác bên ngoài sơ mi mỏng cốt cho có, mà không, cho hợp style đi biển. Khốn khổ giữ áo giữ váy bay phần phật, chúng tôi gần như bò lên đỉnh dốc cao ở mũi Nghinh Phong.
***
Năm hai mươi bốn tuổi rưỡi, tôi chuyển đến thuê trọ trên tầng năm của một nhà trọ gần hồ Văn Quán, chính thức bắt đầu cuộc sống một mình. Con ngõ ngày ấy vắng vẻ tôig tàn hơn bây giờ, nhà cửa thấp nên đứng từ ban công trước nhà hay sân phơi sau nhà, tôi có thể quan sát được khoảng trời rộng với đủ các sắc thái vui buồn của bầu trời.
Có dạo, tôi đứng ngoài ban công chụp mây trời hằng ngày. Dẫu trời âm u, nhiều mây, nắng vỡ đầu hay sấm chớp đúng đùng. Tôi bắt đầu xuất hiện sự vô cảm với thời cuộc. Một vài mối quan hệ đến rồi đi, công việc không có khởi sắc, covid mùa đầu tiên… Năm đó tôi 25 tuổi.
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